I am a Contradiction...

Motherhood consists of a series of inconsistencies.

As a mother I contradict myself at every turn.

-It's too early for sugar, yet I have my morning coffee with something sweet.

-I yell out at our kids to "stop yelling".

-While applying my make-up, my girls are always asking to wear some and I always say, "you are beautiful with out make-up, you don’t ever need to wear any"- as I'm trying to make myself up!

-“Don’t run in the house, you’re going to slip and break your head”. What makes running outside any safer? In fact it seems the injury would probably be worse outside.

-I often catch myself saying "will you stop being silly". HELLO they are KIDS, which means they are going to act silly!

Here’s my vice, which I can’t help and don’t think I’ll ever change. I tell them (well, at least Lexi): “You need to sleep in your bed all night”. I secretly love when they come to cuddle with me and I won't turn them away.

I open my eyes, it feels like I just closed them, but in reality it’s the twilight of the night. There is a dark and quiet calmness that has settled in the house. I feel a presence around that awakens me from the stillness of my slumber. I slowly open my eyes. My little girl, with her eyes barely opened- talking in tongues, tells me “mommy can I sleep with you?” I know I should take her little hand, walk her back to her bed, give her a gentle kiss on the forehead and tell her everything is fine, you should go to sleep now-I love you. Instead, I pick her up, lay her next to me, give her a gentle kiss on the cheek and tell her, everything is fine, you should go to sleep now-I love you.

I’m sure no matter how much effort is put forth, I know it will happen on many more occasions. It seems for me, motherhood is a series contradictions and cover-ups that at least for now seem to be in the best interest of my children…

Working Out

My at home regimen includes the following, which are performed throughout the day:

Dishes- works out my arms

Picking up things/toys/kids, etc... off the floor- abs and arms

Going over the gate(hurdles) - legs, and abs

Lifting the kids over the gate- arms, back

Going up and down the stairs for various tasks- cardio

These are just few of many "exercises" I do within my daily routine...

...I think I should be a lot thinner!

Little Shadows

I have a shadow that creeps about. No matter the time of day or change in sunlight- she's there. My shadow's image is small-but her presence is grand. She sometimes doubles up, and sometimes seems blurred into four small silhouettes. Though, a normal shadow is quiet and unassuming, mine seems to loud and boisterous, always wanting to be seen and heard. My shadow wants to be embraced. I can hug her and love her, until she is comfortable enough to sneak away, even if it's just for a few moments. I can count on my shadow always being there, whether I want her there or not. My shadow learns, plays and can even teach me a few things. My shadow wants her presence know to me and all those around me. So, for all of us moms out there who have the same or a similar type of shadow as mine, let's try to embrace it the best we can- because no matter how much sometimes we'd like to break away, our little shadow(s) need us...

Is Giving up, Giving in?

I am asked a question by my daughter and my answer is no. The phone rings, and it is a call I actually need to take. The twins decide they need me right away, and Lex decides she is going to ask me the same question once again- all the while I am trying to have an important conversation on the phone.

Moving about the house does not help when I have a blurred shadow of four, which seems to be following me. I try my hardest to continue the conversation, get the babies what they need, and tell Lex once again the answer is, no!

My shadow which contains the haze of four little impressions seems to have not yet disappeared. I once again get the babies what they need, I am again asked the same question by Lex, and the answer "FINE!" seemed to jump off my tongue in a fit of distress for one minute of peaceful interaction between me and the person on the other end of the phone line.

Is giving up, giving in? Sometimes, but once in a while I need that brief moment that comes when I do!

Summer

My alarm clock has been turned off-it is now officially summer. The scheduled chaos of school days has come to a temporary halt. We now wake up to the babies yelling "upppppppa" or Lex crawling in to bed for some morning cuddles. Scheduled activities for the summer don't begin until 10:00am.

I'm not rushing around all day like the crazed Taxi driver that moms usually become- but now the girls are home, together, the entire day!

Relaxing still seems impossible. Quiet only comes in small doses, between the screams of the girls bickering with one another. We look forward to summer vacation, once it's upon us, I find myself looking forward to school starting, again.

I get a break from driving around all day-only to break up the constant bickering between siblings. Figures!

Wanting to fly

My daughter has a dream to soar above, flutter among the flowers, glide along the clouds, and reach for the stars...

From the corner of my eyes I can see my 3 year old up to something. I glance over to see her with a balloon tied around her waist. She gets on her tippy toes, she jumps up! To her disappointment, she falls back down on her feet. She then decides she must gather the remaining balloons in the house-because that's what's going to do it, she needs more! She pleads with her sisters to let her have their balloons, "please I need them". She now has them all. She gets up once again on the tip of her toes, jumps up, and realizes-even with all the balloons, she still can't fly!

For over a year now, my daughter, Alexandra has been very saddened by the fact that she cannot fly. She is continuously asking me why she can't fly and when she is going to be able to fly. Her references include Thumbelina and TinkerBell.

Alexandra thought she had found a loop-hole to her whole flying dilemma! She didn't actually need wings to fly!!!

I took the older girls to see UP! this weekend. In the movie an old man uses balloons to lift his house up...At one point a little boys that has embarked on this journey with the old man uses the balloons to fly away. He young boy ties the balloons to his waist and flies off...

Sleeping

I use to close my eyes, lay my head down on my soft pillow, my body would sink into my heavenly bed and settle down to vivid visions of the most wonderful dreams. Colors popped, sounds seemed so loud, emotions seemed so real. I use to get scared- awakened by visions of surreal nightmares. Darkness rampaged my thoughts, falling, screaming, running, waking up out of breathe. Thoughts, emotions and actions seemed so real-scary or enlightening.

Now- My head hits my pillow, and what feels like one hour later-my alarm goes off. No colors, no thoughts, no wondrous images-just sleep.

There is a couple exceptions to this: The Children.

I feel a presence standing next to me, I open my eyes to find a tiny figure at the side of my bed. She has her water cup in one hand and her blanket in the other. She awaits my next move -allowing her to come sleep in "mommy's bed". When there is a night where everyone stays in their own beds, I will usually awake to the ever present "MOM" sound that seems to continuously be heard through out the day and echos into the night!

So, if you have the privilege to actually dream-enjoy!